Prefer to watch or listen instead?

Then click here to see the video. Otherwise, keep reading.

Okay, so let’s start with the first group.

20% of people are time vampires

Here’s how to spot them.

• They love to hijack meetings for their agenda or monopolize attention.
• They will consistently criticize, bully or intimidate others to dehumanize and build up their own ego.
• When you come across drama, they are a commonly part of it.
• They won’t take personal responsibility for a task not being completed. They’ll consistently take the victim role – it’s someone’s fault. They aren’t accountable.

What to do with time vampires?

I’m assuming you have already tried to reform them. And I assume you were honest with them about what is blocking their performance.

If you have and it didn’t work, then it’s time to be direct and let them go. The rest of your team and your company needs you. Talk to your HR department for your legal options.

60% are in the average group

We’ll come back to them in a moment.

20% are the rock stars

Here’s how to spot them.

• They are self-starters and will take initiative on a new task or skill. They take ownership.
• They have integrity. Meaning they’re words and actions match. They keep their promises. They follow thru to completion.
• They not only do the work, but they deliver results and provide value.
• They’re agile and adaptable. They can work in a team or alone. They’re not turned off by change.
• They stay calm and don’t create drama. Instead, they look for solutions to drama.
• They lead by example and make others better.

What to do with rock stars?

Stretch them to mentor the average 60%. You’ll help them learn or improve their people management skills. And they may help build to another rock star.

I like to end with this quote.

Nothing will kill a great employee faster than watching you tolerate a bad one.

Perry Belcher

Your actions, or non-actions are communicating to your staff what you value.  Don’t reward the wrong people like your underperformers by setting a lower bar.  And having others not take on their share will overwork your average and rock stars.  Talented people love stretch assignments, but don’t overwork them because you can or because you have no one else you can rely on in the team.  Employee burnout is a fast track to killing morale. 

Summary

Watch this post instead?

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Great, let’s evaluate your love maturity. I’ll show you the four levels of love so you can quickly evaluate your love mindset.

Video or Read?

Prefer to watch/listen to this in a video instead? Then click here. Otherwise, keep reading.

The 4 Levels of Love

The 1^st love maturity level is I love you more when you do and be more of what I want.   This is a negotiated form of love.  In this type of love, there are conditions for giving love.

The 2^nd love maturity level is I love you for who you are.   This is a marriage form of love.  Especially the early years of a relationship.  In this image, you can see the two are similar in their shoe choices.  It’s easy to love someone when their similar.

The 3^rd love maturity level is I love you for who you are and for who you aren’t.   This is loving someone wholeheartedly.  This type of love has no conditions, no reservations.  You’ve let go of the wounds of the past and love freely in the present.

The 4^th and final love maturity level is I love love.   This is spiritual love.  You’re in love with love.  You become love.  You see everyone as deserving of love.  You let go of everything you think you know about the person.  You wake up in the morning and look at the person next to you.  You see them without your stories of who they are and who they aren’t.  It’s love without attachment; it’s love without fear that one day we’ll lose that person.  And for the giver and the receiver, it bring inner peace.

I’ve only known a few people in my life that are like this.  They are people at total ease.

Some of those people have said to me, we’re spiritual beings having a human experience which is why I chose this image for the 4th level.

Which maturity level are you at with loving your spouse, your child or your boss?  And what would you want it to be?

Another Perspective

So, I talked about love for others.  There’s also another perspective.  How you love yourself.  This is the MOST important perspective.

I was at level 3 love for myself… until I experienced menopause.  I gained 25 pounds in a year.  And in a blink of an eye, I realized I was at level 1 love for myself.  Why couldn’t my body do and be more of what I wanted?

But by simply being aware of my love maturity, I could intentionally move to a new level.

I wonder, how are you loving yourself?  And could you love yourself enough to allow it to go up from there?

I like to end with this quote since I believe this aligns well with the 4th level of love maturity.

Love is what we’re born with.  Fear is what we learn.  The spiritual journey is the unlearning of fear and the acceptance of love.

Marianne Williamson

Show yourself some grace, acceptance and love.

Sources: Vance Caesar

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The four ways are divided into fight or flight mode. Some of us prefer one mode over the other. You know who you are.

Here’s a sneak preview of the 4 poisons:

1. Criticism
2. Defensiveness
3. Withdrawal
4. Contempt

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Pick Your Values

The first thing you gotta do is to name your values.  I recommend you pick no more than three from the image below.

I do this once a year around my birthday.  Sometimes the choices are the same.  Sometimes only one value changes.  

See Your Values Daily

Second, I would place those words somewhere where you will see them daily.  For example, I have them right now in a picture on my wall by the window so I’m reminded of them on a regular basis as I look up from my computer monitor.  You can also put them on a post it note or an index card.

Filter Decisions Through Your Values

Third, when faced with a decision you’re having trouble making, filter your decision through your values.  This helps you live a values-based life.

So for example, this year I’ve chosen LOVE. 

Love for me is, “Love me for who I am and for who I’m not. Love others for who they are and who they aren’t.”

I’ve had to make some decisions on this a lot lately. For example, a Facebook post that I disagree with. Do I post or not? How do I want to show up? If I run it thru my values decision, I remember I want to love others for who they are and for who they aren’t.

This year I’m LIVING BIG.

Living Big for me is, “Being more loyal to my dreams than my fears.”

And my third value this year is MEANINGFULNESS.

Meaningfulness for me is, “I want to coach others to live from the inside out.”

Thus, I decided to take the time today to do this blog post instead of other things.

This quote is so true. When your values are clear, making decisions becomes easy. It may not make the resulting action easier. But knowing you made the right choice gives you confidence in that choice and that may make the action easier ultimately.

Sources: Vance Caesar

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What fear based leadership looks like

When the virus first made the news, I was in Denial. After Denial waned off, unfortunately I moved into Fear. I started to hoard toilet paper. And I felt the need to get my hands on medical-grade masks and Lysol. But I couldn’t find them anywhere. I started stress-eating and drinking wine a little too often, which became a habit. I was starting to get cranky at work and so were others around me which could trigger more unhealthy behaviors.

The COVID-19 / crisis leadership model

A friend shared this COVID-19 Leadership model with me. It helped me move to a healthy state quickly. I’d like to gift that knowledge to you. Below are three zones (FEAR, LEARNING and GROWTH) and actions associated with the zones.

First, I self-identified my state. Thankfully, my “high standards” gene kicked in for good use. I knew too that my little ones were watching me. Was this how I wanted to role model how I dealt with this crisis? Or any crisis? How was I showing up to my team?

So, this is what I did. I identified one statement I was weak in. I started with the LEARNING zone.

“I recognize that we are all trying to do our best.”

Instead of being judgmental of someone else’s behavior, I changed my belief that they were doing the best they could in this situation as well.

Then for a ~week, I scored myself on a scale of 1-10 on how well I accomplished that. 7, 6, 8, 4 (fell off the wagon), 8, 6, 9, 8, 10, 8.

After I noticed the pattern of positive numbers 8+, I took a break for a week. I noticed that by being intentionally conscious, I shifted my mindset.

Eventually, I chose statements from the GROWTH zone. It wasn’t hard to next learn how to believe

“I am empathetic with myself and others.“

The benefits of positive crisis leadership

Being in the GROWTH zone now for awhile, I feel a sense of power, freedom and happiness. This has been tested even recently with two major changes at the office. I didn’t respond with FEAR. I had shifted my mindset enough that I believed and thus acted in a Growth mindset naturally.

If I wasn’t introduced to this and shown a way to shift, I can’t imagine where I’d be now. Or how I’d be “showing up” to myself and others – besides being surrounded in comfort foods, rose wine and toilet paper.

Sources: Vance Caesar, Matt O’Connell

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Here’s some of the activities that y’all must do and the average time per day it takes to do them (source: 2018 American Time Use Survey, BLS).

1. Cleaning the house and doing laundry, 94 minutes
2. Making meals, 61 minutes
3. Paying the bills, sorting mail and organizing the house, 44 minutes
4. Shopping for groceries or gifts, 50 minutes
5. Taking care of the kids – driving to school or activities, 121 minutes

You try to do it all.  You’re exhausted. There’s no time for you.  No time for your exercise.  Your reading.  Cuddling with your spouse.  Your friends.  Your Netflix binges.

But everyone lives this way, right?

I found a better way. Here’s how I did it.

I decided to start doing what I do best, and then outsource the rest. 

I figured out which of the things my husband and I did that either took the most time or that sucked the passion out of us.  Those were prime candidates to outsource.  For us… ding ding ding, cleaning the house and doing laundry!

We had a maid come in once a month but it didn’t feel like it was buying more than 5-6 hours a month. We thought not having to scrub a bathroom done would be enough relief. But nope.

So, we decided to outsource the cleaning and laundry tasks on a weekly basis. And essentially buy back time.

We asked around and found a woman that would clean our home and do our laundry, every week.  We pay her a set hourly rate.  We tell her that the house doesn’t need to be pristine. Do one floor one week while the laundry is going and switch floors the next week. If we’ve done the clothing laundry already because we needed to, then wash our towels and sheets instead.

Believe it or not, there’s people who would love to do your laundry. They need to make extra cash and they find it meditative.

We figured we’d try it for one quarter and if it didn’t feel like it was worth it, we could stop.

After a year, we can’t imagine life now without her.  We get a clean home every week and we only do laundry once a week (vs twice).  And honestly, it’s not that much more $.  Our stress level is significantly lower.  We have more time to exercise, play with the kids or come up with more creative menus for my husband’s personal chef / catering business.

What can you outsource?

Here’s some things you can outsource so you can do what you do best, be you!

1. Cleaning the house and doing laundry
   • Hire a stay at home mom for 5 hours a week @ $x per hour
2. Making meals
   • Meal delivery or meal prep like such as Home Chef, Sun Basket, Blue Apron, Green Chef
3. Taking care of the lawn
   • Hire a gardener
   • Hire a high school student
4. Taking care of the kids – driving to school or activities
   • Try rotating with other families
   • Hire a senior in high school or a stay-at-home mom
   • Hire a loving and local babysitter from friend referrals or background check online sites such as SitterCity, Urban Sitter, or Care

Sources to find one-time or ongoing help

TaskRabbit.com – choose from over 140,000 background checked Taskers for help without breaking the bank

FancyHands.com – a team of US-based assistants at your fingertips to tackle anything on your to-do list

Not ready to outsource yet?

You could still do those things for possibly less per hour than you make.  But you’d be stressed out and trading your time with your family, friends or yourself for what?

I’m ready to do what I do best!

If you have discretionary funds, you can buy time which promotes happiness.  If you don’t have discretionary funds, then you can either buy time occasionally or pare down your big vacations or reduce those expensive meals. Or just give it a whirl for 3 months and then re-assess the value.

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Draw your life today

Set a timer for 15 min – max. Get out an 11×17 size paper. Draw a picture of your life today. It can be a picture of you. A picture of your family. Your work. Your pets. Your hobbies. It can be a big splattering of abstract paint. Whatever you think represents you today, draw it.

Then share what’s in your picture. The other person will learn more about the real you in that sharing. Who or what was in your picture? How big or small were you? Did you just use black or were there colors?

Draw your life in the future

Now get another piece of same sized paper. Set a timer for 30 min this time. Then draw a picture of your life in the future. Could be 1, 5, 10 or 20 years out. Alternatively, write a speech from someone very close to you that is read to the audience on your 85th birthday.

I’ve done the picture each year until recently. I decided to write the speech last time and draw my picture to go with it. That clearly defined it for me.

You’ll notice variations over time

One thing I’ve noticed is that my present pictures show some achievements. And my future pictures are more about things that matter to my heart.

Post it where you’ll always see it

To help this future picture come to life, post it where you’ll see it at least once a day. Some do their garage as they come and go. I personally do the wall in my home office that I work out of the majority of the time. Seeing your design will anchor your future you’s decisions.

My 2017 Present vs. Future Picture Examples

My 2018 Present vs. Future Picture Examples

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“Who do you think you are? You’re messing up the whole project and making me look bad!!!! You know we were supposed to turn in the figures yesterday, but noooo. You’re so important you thought you could get away with a TWO-HOUR BREAK. I couldn’t get it done and it’s YOUR fault! You need to get your s**t together, EVERYONE thinks so!!!”

<appropriate response at the end>

These type of angry emails can be frustrating.  Especially if they cc: other people or say it in public.

We think we work with sane people.  But dysfunctional people show up not just in families but at work.

5 Types of High-Conflict People in the Workplace

There are formally 10 types of diagnosed personality disorders.  I’ve found that 5 are common in the workplace.

Here’s their characteristics, their driving force (aka the basic fear that triggers them) and fictional characters to help you identify them.

Angry / Borderline people have sudden mood swings and swing between either loving you or hating you.  Why?  Their basic fear is being abandoned.  Anakin Skywalker is a good fictional character example.  Due to being split from his parents early on, he was (later in life) impulsive, violent, anger issues, delusions of invulnerability and had an identity crisis.

Narcissistic people are egotistical and believe they’re superior.  They operate out of a sense of entitlement.  They lack empathy for others while being demanding and demeaning.  Why?  Their basic fear is being powerless or inferior.  The example here is Walter White in Breaking Bad.

Con Artist / Antisocial people are your typical con-artists.  They’re deceptive and manipulative without feeling any guilt.  Why?  Their basic fear is being dominated.  The example here is The Grinch.  He lacked remorse. He was happy making other people unhappy.  He loved to bully and was secretly depressed.

Dramatic / Histrionic people are prima donnas.  They’re overly dramatic, superficial and exaggerate so that they’re the center of attention.  Why?  Their basic fear is being ignored.  Derek Zoolander is the example here.  He always assumed others wanted him sexually (and was wrong), was shallow, used his physical appearance to draw attention, was overly dramatic and was more uncomfortable when not the center of attention.

Suspicious / Paranoid people don’t trust others.  They think everyone is out to get them.  They bear a grudge, are hyper-sensitive or take things personally.  Why?  Their basic fear is being betrayed.  Here we have the husband from the Julia Roberts movie Sleeping with the Enemy.  He doubted the loyalty of his wife, was quick to become angry and hostile and believed that his wife had hidden motives.  We know she did in the end, but who can blame her.

The examples above are extreme cases.  But I bet you’ve seen some form of these in your own workplace.

How to Respond with High-Conflict People

First, you don’t have to react to respond.  But if you must, the best response for these types of high-conflict people is The BIFF Response® Method.  BIFF is an acronym for Brief, Informative, Friendly and Firm (aka BIFF).  A BIFF response will help you set boundaries and concentrate the conversation into how to solve the problem.

Here’s a summary of BIFF.

If you want more info on how to deal with a high-conflict person, then read BIFF: Quick Responses to High-Conflict People, Their Personal Attacks, Hostile Email and Social Media Meltdowns.  Start communicating in ways that can calm those types of people down, so you can be more productive and at peace.

p.s.  Oh yeah, an example BIFF response to the high-conflict person email example.

“Hi Coworker A, I appreciate your concern for getting reports in on time. As I mentioned in my email to everyone last week, my meeting couldn’t be rescheduled. I’ve attached a copy of the email for you. You’ll see that Ms. Boss gave us an extension until Fri. I am available all afternoon. What time can you meet to finish the figures? Have a good morning. –Me”.

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